on turning 40
I’m currently enjoying my final days of being ‘in my thirties’. Age really is a strange thing. Can I really be turning forty? Turns out, yes, yes I can.
As everyone says, when I was (much) younger I thought 40 was really old. I had some vague idea of my life at 40 and let me tell you, it was nothing like my life actually is. I thought I’d be sensible. I’d wear cardigans and sensible clothes with enough layers for all weather occasions and sensible walking shoes like my Mum. I thought I might have a couple of kids, even though I wasn’t keen on the idea. I’d have a sensible hair cut. I thought I’d read the paper and maybe do crosswords.
I didn’t see myself as I am now. Sitting on the yoga studio floor, curled up in black lycra, drinking coffee, writing about my life. I didn’t think I’d wear crop tops every day and still go to festivals and paint my face. I didn’t think I’d still want to have fun.
My 20 something year old self saw 40 as the very distant future and I really thought I’d be a completely different person by then. But look! Here I am! I’m the same person. I still bite my nails (unfortunately). I still cant get it together to brush my hair regularly and periodically spend ages pulling dreadlocks out. I still worry about what other people think of me and want everyone to like me. I still eat peanut butter from the jar and say ‘I’m just going to have one spoon’. I still cant be trusted to not eat all the chocolate. I still procrastinate and spend too much time scrolling on my phone when I could be writing or doing something useful. I still dont wash the sheets as often as I should.
What has changed is my acceptance of all of this. I actually love the messy, imperfect, over-thinking, vain, creative, silly and kind person I am. I’ve got way better at telling the truth and I can speak in front of people without having a nervous breakdown. I’m physically stronger and fitter than I’ve ever been and I feel more comfortable in my skin than ever before. Getting older really is amazing!
I’m lucky enough to get to teach a group of Batemans Bay High school kids. They’ve chosen yoga as their sport and every Wednesday they wander over to the studio in their uniforms. I like to think I’m providing a supportive, non judgemental and caring space for them at this challenging age. I like to think of myself as a ‘good role model’. An example of someone who did terribly at school but went on to find a career that is deeply satisfying and enjoyable. But who really knows. Who knows if it makes any difference at all. I see myself in all these 15 year old girls. I remember how hard it was back then and I’m so grateful for getting older.
Yesterday my friend Chiara asked a question on her instagram. What would you say to your 20-something year old self?
The main thing is - IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER. BETTER THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW!
Some other important messages:
It gets easier. It gets so much more enjoyable. It gets better than you could ever dream.
Enjoy this time of minimal responsibilities.
You’re not ‘wasting your life’. You’re resting. You’re playing. You’re building life experience. You’ll need all of this in the next chapter.
Rejection is protection. he’s doing you a favour.
Money comes and goes. You’ll always be ok.
Not going to university doesn’t mean you’re setting your life on fire.
Everyone will have their opinions, whatever you do. So you might as well just do what makes you happy.
People will always talk about you. That’s what people do.
Worry less about whether people like you and more about whether you like you.
You will hurt people, even if you dont intend to. You will get hurt. That’s how life is.
Spend more time with your parents. Tell them you love them more often. Forgive them. Accept them. Love them. They’ve done more for you than you’ll ever know.
BUT
If I’d actually been able to bend time and get these messages to little me, I probably wouldn’t have done all the stupid things I did which led me here, so really I wouldn’t say anything. I’d just smile, give her a hug and whisper ‘you’re beautiful and it’s going to be ok’.