Knowing What You Want is Overrated
I once read that Sri Nisargadatta, one of the most revered non-dual teachers, jjwas giving a talk to thousands of people in the States. People kept asking him ‘what’s your secret? Why are you so happy all the time?’
He wouldn’t normally answer questions but this day he did. He said, ‘Ok I’ll tell you’. The crowd fell silent.
‘My secret is, I dont mind what happens’.
Most people weren’t very satisfied with this answer. ‘Is that it?? That doesn’t make any sense. That’s too simple. That’s too obvious’. They pressed him for further explanations but he shook his head. I’ve answered the question. That’s all there is to it.
I’ve thought about this a lot over the years.
At first it might sound indifferent, cold even. Of course I mind what happens. When it comes to the people I love, of course I want them to be safe and well and happy.
But as I’ve sat with these words I realise on so many levels what he’s saying actually makes a lot of sense. The more I attach to a certain outcome, the more I suffer.
Someone else said there are two kinds of unhappiness in this world
The unhappiness of not getting what you want
The unhappiness of getting what you want
How many times have you believed that something you wanted would bring you happiness only to acquire the thing/relationship/life situation and realise oh, I’m still feeling dissatisfied. Yep. Same.
Yoga, Buddhism, Taoism and many other earth based Indigenous cultures recognise this truth about the human mind and say, dont fixate on the outer world, dont get obsessed with rearranging the furniture of your life. Take a moment to sit down, look around. Then look within. Discover the peacefulness and freedom within you and the constant seeking approval/things/money/situations to be a certain way will settle/dissolve/soften.
This philosophy seems to be at total odds with what I’m going to call ‘manifestation culture’.
A few years ago I joined the Lacy Phillips ’To Be Magnetic’ bandwagon. I wrote all the lists. I did all the ‘DI’s’ (deep imaginings - meditations to access subconscious), I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted. So much time, in fact, that I forgot to actively love everything I already had. Nothing on that list came true and in fact things started to contract, rather than expand.
Every time I sat down to write a manifestation list I stalled. I’ve always struggled to know what I want. And I used to think this was a bad thing, some kind of failing of mine, but now I realise ‘knowing what you want is overrated.’
At least for me.
(Just to be clear this is absolutely not a diss of Lacy Phillips or the TBM method, I actually think she’s a great teacher and there’s lots of very helpful practices in there, and I know her method works for a lot of people. This is only my experience. I have friends who do know exactly what they want and can ‘manifest’ things seemingly out of nothing. They work really well with vision boards and manifestation lists and these practices inspire them, so as always I would say, DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.)
But, if you’re doing something because you think ‘you should’ because it worked for someone on instagram but it doesn’t feel right for you, consider, maybe like me, knowing what you want isn’t actually helpful.
Maybe this obsessive focus on ‘building the life of your dreams’ ‘getting clear on your vision’ ‘strategy on a page’ ‘create the life you desire’ is actually a huge waste of time.
Maybe we’re wasting so much energy in that space that we forget to TAKE ACTION and simply ‘be’ with what’s here in front of us.
Now, there are definitely things that I ‘want’, that I’m working towards, that I look forward to.
A natural swimming hole on our property. I’m very keen to dig out the dam at the bottom of our property, build a jetty, install a solar pump system and plant lotus flowers.
To finish my book and get it published, to hold it in my hands and see it in the airport.
To visit New York and Japan and Mexico.
I’m not saying that wanting these things is bad. There’s nothing wrong with wanting.
But dont get stuck at the ‘what do I actually want’ phase. I dont think it matters as much as you might think.
To apply Sri Nisagardatta’s words to this theory - if I dont make it to New York before I die, if the dam never turns into a swimming hole, if I never finish my book, can I still be happy?
Or am I so fixated on these things completing me that I miss what’s right in front of me.
How can I hold these desires lightly yet exuberantly, like Hanuman reaching for the ripest mango. How can I allow my desired to light me up, fuel my vitality and cultivate ENTHUSIASM (lit from the God within). At the same time, how can I lean into deep surrender and trust that life is happening anyway, things are going to happen anyway, there is no right or wrong decision, there’s only the quality of attention and love I give to each moment.
This is the dance of life - ‘being’ and ‘becoming’.
The thing is, if you get SO fixated on what you want, it’s likely you’ll become fearful of ‘not getting what you want’. This fear will probably cause you to stall longer than you need to, to obsess about every decision, to spend so long figuring out your perfect life, perfect brand, logo and perfect colour pallette that you end up doing nothing.
The other day a friend said to me, ‘how do you put on so many events? It takes me so long to plan one workshop because I obsess over the details, what to do, the wording, how to make it perfect. I cant imagine doing more!’
My answer was - you’re overthinking it. Yes it’s important to be intentional about what you’re offering to the world, but again, dont get stuck in the details. Write it out. Read it. Edit it. Then press send. You can always work out the finer details later, but the important thing is it’s out there and people know about it so they can actually come. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Look outside. Can you see any flower/tree/leaf/cloud that is ‘perfect?’
It’s your uniqueness and imperfections that display your essence. If you stifle your work in the pursuit for perfect, that essence gets lost in translation.
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The most important things in my life were things I actively DIDN’T WANT.
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I’ve been married for almost a year now to a kind, generous, loving, easygoing, enthusiastic, motivated and joyful man. Getting married was NEVER on my manifestation lists. If anyone ever asked me about marriage and kids (strange how these questions seem to come in tandem) I would have said a strong NO. That’s not my path. I’m not interested in getting married. Why would I want to do that? I’m happy by myself. I dont want to live with anyone. My work is all I need.
I met Rod in October 2022. It wasn’t love at first sight. If someone had told me, when we first met, that in a few months I’d be living with him and his teenage son, investing in his property and engaged to be married I would have laughed them out of town.
It would have seemed SO ridiculous to me. After our first meeting which I guess you could call a date, I called it off before it had begun. ‘Look’ I said over text message. ‘You seem really great, but I’m not interested in any relationship or romantic connection.’
I wasn’t manifesting Rod as my husband. I wasn’t fantasising about our dream life together. I hadn’t put him on a pedestal and DECIDED we’re going to be together and he’s my perfect man.
Quite the opposite. In fact I’d unequivocally decided he was not the man for me.
That decision inadvertently saved me.
I had no expectation. I didn’t mind what happened.
We stayed in touch. We started hanging out as friends. I was sure we were just friends. We hung out more. I started to realise, this man is perfect for me. I let it happen. My expectations didn’t bind me. I wasn’t disappointed when he fell off the pedestal I created for him because there was no pedestal.
I simply allowed life to flow. I didn’t mind what happened.
Now I’m very happily married and I love living with him and his son Kane. I feel the best I’ve ever felt and the love I have for them both invigorates me every day.
The other example is the studio.
I’m the owner and main teacher of a now thriving yoga studio in Batemans Bay - a small regional town on the Far South Coast of NSW. I’ve owned the studio since 2018 when a series of seemingly disconnected events led me to be travelling through ‘the bay’ in my van just at the right time for the studio to fall unceremoniously into my lap.
I had no interest in owning a yoga studio. This was another thing definitely NOT on any manifestation lists.
It was the complete opposite of what I thought I wanted.
So, because I didn’t think I wanted it, there was no planning, branding, thinking about my market, working out a name involved. I simply stepped into a space already set up, with a name and logo chosen by someone else, which is essentially the opposite of what we are all told the ‘right’ way is.
There was no thinking. One day I didn’t own a studio. Then the next day, BAM, I was in it. I was freefalling through the air, assembling my parachute AKA bringing a failing yoga studio back to life on the way down. Thinking about what to do wasn’t even an option. I was doing it. It was happening.
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When I first took over my now thriving business Soul Tribe Studio, it was a deader than dead studio that had been closed for months in a town of 20,000 people with 70% over 70 years old, that is extremely reliant on Summer tourist trade and feels very empty for the other 10 months of the year.
A series of fateful events led me to be on the South Coast at the same time the former owner wanted out.
She’d opened the studio a few months before I turned up and realised very quickly it wasn’t for her. I’m extremely grateful for Danni, because if she hadn’t done the hard work of finding the space, renting it, renovating it, equipping it, making a website and coming up with a name, Soul Tribe wouldn’t exist and I probably wouldn’t own a yoga studio.
It was Winter, 2018. I was travelling in my van. I’d been teaching yoga in Sydney for the last few years and I’d had enough of the city. I loved teaching and I knew I was good at it and knew I wanted to continue teaching. I had a vague idea about wanting to be nomadic. I was also sure I didn’t want to be tied down. I wanted as little responsibility and commitment as possible.
I liked the idea of teaching at different studios around Australia. I’d get to travel. It was low responsibility and low investment. I’d have a lot of free time to do what I wanted to do, which I didn’t really know what that was but included sending handmade watercolour cards to strangers on the internet in the short lasting ‘love letters to the world’.
When Danni asked me if I wanted to ‘manage’ Soul Tribe for me whilst she took a little break I jumped at the chance. Here was my opportunity to make some money and enjoy this incredible coastal paradise.
It sounded great.
The thing was she didn’t actually mean ‘manage’ the studio. When I arrived for our handover she gave me the keys, said ‘ok this is when the rent is due, this is how much it is, just put a bundle of cash in this envelope and give it to Elders’ you can give me 10% of the profits, byeeeeeee.
Any sane person would have stopped her. They would have asked questions. They probably would have said something along the lines of ‘this isn’t what I signed up for - you’re not going to pay me at all? No thank you byeeeee.’
But not me. I nodded. I smiled. Sounds good! I said, a little too brightly.
When I told my then- boyfriend what had happened, he scrunched his face up and said ‘what are you doing? Say no! It’s never going to work. This studio is deader than dead. Clare, this is a TERRIBLE IDEA’.
I could see his point. BUT. I had a feeling. A subtle yet undeniable stirring in my heart. This could work!!
I knew the space had potential. It was all white. A white canvas. A fresh start.
Those early days are a blur of sleepless nights and frustrating days and many, many tears. I ridiculously took over ANOTHER studio at the same time, which was actually insane and looking back was out of fear. I was trying to hedge my bets, but of course it just dissipated my energy. If I’d trusted my instincts and stayed with Soul Tribe, things would have been easier early on. This is one of the millions of mistakes I’ve made over the years, but even with all of those terrible decisions, IT STILL WORKED! If I can mess up that spectacularly and still be here, so can you.
The other thing I had on my side was energy. I was used to teaching 25+ classes a week all over Sydney so teaching every single class on the schedule didn’t phase me. I started small. Four classes every day. I started to tell people what I was doing. I got timetables printed and sent out the first newsletter. I invested in MINDBODY booking system. I got internet in the building. I revamped the website. I cried some more tears. I didn’t think too much. I didn’t think about the future, other than to tell myself, if all else fails I can go to Mexico and start again. I dont know why Mexico was such a lifeline back then. I dont even speak Spanish.
I think I just imagined cobbled streets and less rules and no responsibility.
I still think about why I said yes when Danni handed me the keys, when according to my life view at the time it was the opposite of what I wanted.
I think about it a lot because saying YES was the most amazing thing I ever did. I cant imagine what would have happened if I said no. Maybe another yoga teacher would have come along. Maybe the business would have closed and the building would have been turned back into offices. Maybe Batemans Bay wouldn’t become the next Byron. Maybe I would have kept driving, and found myself in another town in another life.
I shudder at the thought.
2019 was one of the hardest years of my life. I was living with my boyfriend at the time who smoked a ridiculous amount of weed and couldn’t hold down a job. He bought out the worst in me. I bought out the worst in him. I would scream at him and throw tantrums. He was on Centrelink and I was barely making any money. Our rent was huge because I’d fallen in love with this house that was really way out of our means.
He hated me working all the time. I was building a business so I worked all the time. Whilst I was working he’d play video games and smoke. The house never got cleaned. He never cooked me dinner. It was a nightmare. Something that had started off as a sweet and magnetic fling at a festival turned into something unbelievably toxic.
In February 2019 my Dad had a terrible cycling accident and suffered severe brain damage.
I flew straight back to the UK. Whilst I was in the UK with my family I found out my from another friend that my then-boyfriend had slept with someone else at a party. It was incomprehensibly painful.
I had this moment walking down the street in Birmingham. It was grey and cold as February in Birmingham tends to be. I stopped. What had happened to my life? A week ago I was living my dream life in Australia, I’d just started a yoga studio, I was in the middle of running a sold out retreat and now I was here. In Birmingham, spending my days at the hospital, sharing a bed with my Mum in an AirBNB, not sure if my Dad was going to live or die. My Dad who had always been the brightest, most vibrant, adventurous person I know. I just couldn’t believe how much changed.
I kept thinking about how fragile we all are. Walking around with these brains in our heads. All it takes is a hard knock and ‘we’ as we know ourselves isn’t there anymore.
One saving grace at that time was a yoga study in Central Birmingham called Barefoot. I arrived in tears. I spent every class in tears. I left in tears. A few days before I was due to leave England I was in class crying again. After the class a girl struck up a conversation with me.
‘I like your tattoo’ she said. ‘Are you a yoga teacher? Where are you from?’
I explained that I lived in Australia, I was here because my Dad had an accident and was in intensive care barely recognisable. She looked at me. I’m here because my Mum had an accident. I was also living in Australia. I would probably still be there but I had to come home to look after them. It’s how it is.
I swallowed hard. For the first time I realised I might be saying goodbye to my life in Australia. If my parents needed me I would have to move back. I’d have to say goodbye to Soul Tribe and to everything I’ve ever known.
The next day I walked in the mountains by myself. I sat in our valley and prayed. Please, please let me Dad be ok. I dont care about anything else. I just want my Dad to be ok.
Just before I boarded the plane, ready to come back again the doctors came around looking concerned. It’s not looking good they said.
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I travelled back and forth from Batemans Bay to England 4 times that year. All the prayers worked. My Dad made a full recovery. He’s now healthier than ever, living his best life in the house he built in the Herefordshire Countryside. Another miracle.
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Finally, I listened to the most beautiful story of the monkey God ‘Hanuman’ ‘The Emerald Podcast’ study group, which is one of the best things I’ve signed up for in a long time.
In the story, baby Hanuman is not satisfied with all the fruits of the forest. He’s always hungry. He says to his Mum, anjaneya, Mother I’m hungry! She says, go look for some more food. You’re resourceful! You’re strong! You can look for more! Hanuman looks up.
Then he sees the biggest, brightest mango he’s ever seen, gold and shimmering like the sun. THAT is the mango I want!! Of course what he’s looking at is actually the sun. He doesn’t know this. He leaps. He soars higher and higher. On his way he meets Rahu, the serpent deity made a pact with the God Indra to swallow the sun twice a year, creating the solar eclipses. Hanuman is convinced Rahu is going to take Mango so he hurls himself at him with all his strength. Rahu is terrified and runs back to Indra, curling around his feet and telling him what’s happened.
Look, he says, this simply isn’t good enough. This is the way things are. I swallow the sun this time every year. It’s universal lore. You cant let this excurberant monkey ruin everything. Something must be done.
Indra agrees. He gets mad. He charges up to Hanuman and throws his Vajra (thuderbolt). It hits Hanuman in the face and breaks his jaw. Then Hanuman’s Dad Vayu the wind god shows up. He’s so upset he retreats back to his cave, taking Hanuman with him and taking all the air with him. Everything starts to die. There is no life There is no prana. There is no breath. The chanting of the Vedas which keep the world alive, cease to be. There are no words from lover to lover. Babies stop crying. The world starts to die. Eventually Indra comes to his senses. He goes into the cave and bows down before Vatu and little Hanuman. I’m sorry, he says. To make up for it I will bless Hanuman with special powers. The power of the water, the power of the air, the earth and the power of devotion. Hanuman will turn into the most devotional heart the world has ever seen.
I share this story to emphasise this balance between being and becoming. How can we embody the exuberance of the little monkey reaching for the brightest mango, whilst also realising, sometimes what we think is a mango isn’t, and the blessings we’ll receive may look very different from what we initially wanted.
In the words of Guan Yin Tzu. ‘Dont waste your time calculating chances of success and failure. Just fix your aim and begin.’