Strong back wild heart

On Tuesday I had a meltdown. I had so much work I wanted to get through. Multiple projects piled up on top of each other, all requiring my full focus and attention. I willed myself to concentrate but every time I looked at my scribbled lists my brain turned to mush. This was a shock because I’m usually very good at ‘getting shit done’. I work fast. A flurry of tabs open, books everywhere, fully immersed in my chaos. I usually love this state! This day was different.

I’d been uploading video content so my laptop kept running out of space. In frustration I deleted my entire desktop, including some important files, thinking I’d saved them to the cloud but I hadn’t. The files were gone. The whole time I was cursing myself for not organising my life better. I messed up all my scheduling, I miscommunicated, I jumped into something without considering the implications and had to back peddle, I pissed people off. I felt like I was failing at everything. I was stuck in the same old patterns. A deep fog descended.

I tried all my strategies. I danced, I shook my body, I went for a swim and hugged my favourite tree. I even ran (I NEVER RUN). Nothing worked. I felt so sick of myself. In the end I curled up on the floor and cried. 

On some level I was still convinced I SHOULDN’T be feeling this way. ‘My life is incredible. What is wrong with me? I’m such a spoilt brat, crying over lost files, am I really this ungrateful?’ In Buddhism this is called the Second Arrow (in my case second, third, fourth, fifth… infinite arrows). The first arrow is the sadness itself. The second arrow is me blaming myself for feeling this way. ‘I shouldn’t feel like this’ is what keeps us stuck.

Yesterday I woke up and felt like me again. Calm, clear, connected. Happy. That’s life. You cannot know happiness without sadness.

I’m sharing this because I want you to know that its OK to feel what you’re feeling.

It’s OK if your life is extremely privileged and you still feel sad, anxious, jealous whatever. These are strong times. We need each other, now more than ever. We need to take off our masks.

So, when you experience challenging emotions, practice not getting attached to the stimulus (trying to work out WHY you feel that way). Practice being with the emotion, and allowing it to move through you (very easy for me to sit and type this, very challenging, but possible to practice in the midst of the storm)

Here's some practical ways to do this:

  • movement (dancing, shaking, running,

  • making sound

  • deep abdominal breathing with long exhales

  • crying (contrary to popular opinion, if you start crying you WILL be able to stop. If you can be with the pure experience of crying, feeling the tears, feeling the heat, feeling the body shaking etc, rather than feeding it with thoughts about why you’re a terrible person like I normally do, it does pass, and nothing feels better than the calm after a big cry)

  • hugs

  • jumping in the ocean

  • walking barefoot

what are some of yours?

Above all we need a willingness to feel. Brene Brown talks about Strong Backs, Soft Fronts, Wild Hearts in this excellent episode.

She articulates how our ability to experience true belonging is only equal to our willingness to be vulnerable, to expose our soft heart, to be authentically who we are and stand up for what we believe, even if it means standing alone ‘in the wilderness’.

A paradox. To experience true belonging we must be willing to stand alone.

When I’m (literally) standing in the wilderness or sleeping by myself I don’t feel alone. I feel intrinsically connected, to everything around me, the trees, the oceans, the birds, the plants, and everyone on the same path. All those courageous souls exposing their soft hearts. I see you. Thank you.

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