hiding vegetables in tacos ~ a love story
A valley in the Australian bush. Just before first light. I’m sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, legs curled underneath me on the hard cane chair. I’m up early to write but not early enough. Untangling myself from a warm bed and warm arms is a challenge I haven’t mastered yet. My alarm goes off at 4:30 and each morning I turn around and slide my head into the crease of his arm and breathe him in and wonder how this happened, how I finally understand what everyone is talking about when they talk about love.
A black cat snakes around my ankles before jumping onto the table and scratching himself against the corners of my laptop as I type. His Mum, a tortoiseshell looks at me disapprovingly from the deck. They want to be fed but I have no idea where the food is or how much to give them. Eventually they give up, flicking their tails and bounding off into the rising dawn.
A few years ago I stuck a quote on the headboard of my bed.
It said ‘All the suffering there is in this world arises from wishing ourself to be happy. All the happiness there is in this world arises from wishing others to be happy.’ I would look at it every day and think ‘I totally agree and disagree with that at the same time.’
As I continued on some sort of path I started to read books like Untamed and Unbound. I followed accounts like ’to be magnetic’ and t’he holistic psychologist’ I got into manifestation. I practiced Subagh Kriya every day until my arms almost fell off ( I still love Subagh Kriya - intrigued? Come to breathwork class every Tuesday, Thursday 6am 😉 ) I started to charge more for my offerings. I read ‘we all should be millionaires’. I started the Lacy Phillips course. I invested in energetic healers and coaches. I unpacked my past to the nth degree.
Before I go any further ~ disclaimer. I’m eternally grateful for all of this work, all these teachers and mentors. I had to go through this process first. I had to work on my own self worth before I could start to let go of me and mine. I know what giving from a depleted fear based place feels like and it feels yuck.
So. That being said.
The quote on my bed didn’t make sense to me anymore. My whole problem is trying to make others happy I thought. And what’s wrong with wanting happiness and success for myself? Doesn’t that benefit everyone?
I took it down.
I set boundaries. I stared saying no. I asked for more money. I hired an accountant. I sorted out my finances. I saw for the first time how much I was actually making and spending. The figures made me gasp. But somewhere along the way I lost a little bit of magic. In the manifestation program the first exercise was to write a manifestation list. In my brand new Magic of I diary I wrote
What I want to manifest on 2nd December 2021:
Car, second hand, comfortable, quiet, reliable
New online business starts to turn a profit within a month
20 people in every class by the end of January 2022
Create a thriving yoga studio in Broulee within 6 months
Rent or buy a tiny house
Sell out my live in, retreat style teacher training
Win Dancing with the Stars
I followed the steps. I journaled. I did the ‘deep imaginings’. I felt worse. The studio got quieter. I had to cancel my teacher training as no-one signed up. The Broulee studio seemed more out of reach than ever. The online business stalled.
I found this list the other day, lying on the floor with a hundred old journals strewn around the floor in an attempt to ‘plan’ for the first weekend of teacher training.
I read that list and thought what the hell. ‘I dont want any of those things! Thank the goddess they didn’t come true.’
It makes me laugh to think about the first days of Soul Tribe. I took over the studio from Danni in 2018. The studio made minus zero dollars for months. Every day I’d show up. Sometimes students would show up too. That was a good day. I wasn’t making anywhere near enough to cover the rent, let alone all the other things. I definitely couldn’t afford to pay teachers so I taught every class and lived in the carpark full of potholes in my beaten up panel van. Thank fuck money wasn’t a driving force or I’d have given up A LONG time ago.
Even in my most inspired, optimistic times I could never have imagined how successful the studio was about to become.
They say the more you have the more you want. I can see how this happens. I was happy with my van, until I got a room in a house. I was happy with that until I got my own place. I was happy with 4 people in a class until there were 24. Maybe it’s conditioning, maybe its human nature but the constant pursuit of more is seductive as hell. we get used to a certain level of comfort and it’s hard to go back.
Hence the manifesting. Hence the list.
The only thing that came true on that list was the car.
I was living in my old van, Lola. I bought her for $3000 when I left Sydney. She didn’t look like much, especially after I crashed into the back of a brand new Porsche SUV in South Sydney a few years ago but that’s another story for another time. Lola is a Ford Econovan circa 2001.
In October 2020 I lost my license for 9 months for speeding and spent an exhausting yet surprisingly blissful year cycling from Broulee to Batemans Bay and back every day. I lent Lola to some friends and they took her on a big road trip. Half way through that stint I was so convinced I would never drive again but as soon as Winter rolled around and I got my van back, the temptation of the keys sitting on the table at 4:30am was too much to bear.
I started driving and then it was hard to go back. It seemed ridiculous driving this hulking van around. I wanted a little comfortable car but I absolutely didn’t want to look for one. I have no interest in cars other than they get me places so the thought of calling people up, getting a good price, knowing which one to buy was too overwhelming so I did nothing (always a good tactic!).
One evening in February 2022 I was teaching a Yin class at the studio. I left my car keys on the desk and the door wide open as I always did. After class my keys had vanished. We turned the studio upside down and they were nowhere. Oh I thought I saw some kids walk in one student said vaguely. Whatever the story was the keys were gone. Lola was still sitting in the car park. Weirdly my dancing with the stars outfit was stolen that night. I rode my bike in the next morning and saw my sequinned skirt hanging from a tree. Then I looked a bit harder and saw my top sprawled on the side of the road. Then the spike of a stiletto sticking out from the thick mud of Joe’s Creek. In the half light I pulled both shoes out of the mud wondering what had happened to my life.
Everyone joked about the other contestants sabotaging me and stealing my outfit. The performance was the next night. I had no car and a costume caked in mud.
The other weird thing about Lola is there was an immobiliser on the key. You had to press a button for the key to work which seemed totally unnecessary considering how ghetto she looked. Maybe whoever took the keys couldn’t work it out or couldn’t be bothered. Maybe those keys are still at the bottom of Joes creek. Who knows. Because of the immobiliser it wasn’t as simple as just getting another key. I didn’t have a spare anyway. I needed a new car anyway so I thought well, it’s a sign from the universe, Lola is ready to die.
I put a message in a group chat and within 2 hours I had a second hand car in my price range delivered to the studio. The whole process took about 10 minutes. I didn’t have to look at one car. I gave Lola to my friend Eliza. She sorted out the immobiliser got a new key and her and her partner are still driving her around today. I see the distinctive crushed bumper taped together with duct tape everywhere I go.
That was a long story to say, one thing on my list came true. The thing I actually wanted and needed.
Now my life looks very different. The things that bring me the most joy are, as Shantideva says, the things I do to make other people happy, like cooking for my boyfriend and his 11 year old son who doesn’t like vegetables but loves Mexican so my main mission in life is to hide ever increasing numbers of vegetables into taco mince.
The amount of satisfaction I get from preparing these meals for other people surprises me as much as it surprises them. It’s a shock because I always actively avoided this domestic kind of role. My worst nightmare was spending hours ‘stuck’ in some domestic situation and having to cook. I like to keep things really simple and my own dinners usually consist of some sort of vegetable with tahini on top. The whole process takes 10 minutes tops. I used to be so attached to living by myself. That’s changed dramatically. I used to hate the idea of anyone or any animal relying on me. That’s also changed. I used to be vehemently protective of having a lot of my own time and space which of course I still need but I’ve softened the barriers. I guess I finally realised, its not about me.
Shanti Deva is right. All happiness does come from wanting others to be happy.
I listened to this brilliant podcast episode the other day and it bought the whole thing home. The endless psychologising of everything leads to self obsession. Self obsession is a one way path to suffering because our ‘self’ doesn’t really exist. We are collective beings. We are not separate. Self obsession is obsession with a seperate self. If we believe we are seperate we suffer. We are part of everything. If we are doing things for ourself it will always be empty. If we are acting in devotion of life, others, the world around us, we will always feel satisfied.
So now I’m asking, what can I give. What can I do to be in service. How can I create more beauty around me. How can I slow down enough to actually notice the beauty around me? How could I make this persons life easier? How can I share my resources. How can I get more vegetables into this awesome kid. How can I spread the jam more evenly. How can I tend to this property, how can I nurture the garden, how can Iove better, how can I serve? What can I give? Rather than what can I get.
The more I focus on what can I give, paradoxically the more I get. there is a flow to life now. Maybe it has something to do with the fantastic astrology of March (many astrologers are saying this is the most potent month of the year!) maybe its pisces season, maybe its that I’m filled up with love, maybe it’s that I’ve moved into a different stage. I’m leaving the ‘I centred’ youth behind. I’m here to serve and that’s it. And the thing is, that also makes me incredibly happy!
Thank you so much for reading these words. You have no idea how much it means to me to know you’re out there. Thank you. I love you.