Defending vs Befriending

There is a great difference between defending life and befriending it. Defending life is often about holding on to whatever you have at all cost. Befriending life may be about strengthening and supporting life's movement toward its own wholeness. It may require us to take great risks, to let go, over and over again, until we finally surrender to life's own dream of itself.

~Rachel Naomi Remen

I love this distinction between defending & befriending life. Do you feel this too?

If my actions, thoughts and words are coming from a place of fear and lack, I'm defending. This often shows up as wishing I had more free time and then feeling guilty about not being productive when that free time manifests. WTAF!

I feel shame around not ‘working’ enough, not being motivated enough, not practicing enough, not being a good enough friend or lover blah blah blah. NOT BEING ENOUGH.

This is my mind trying to defend and hold onto what I have/had (‘successful’ teaching career, financial security, a home, relationships, ‘strong’ physical practice) by using fear tactics to spur me into action.

When I slip into defending I start to close off, become more insular, less creative, less able and willing to connect with myself and others. I am no longer present so I miss the beauty of life. I am caught in fear, scarcity and lack. And of course, it is almost impossible to study, practice, love, create when I’m in this state.

When I’m ‘befriending’ I am completely engaged with the present whether resting, playing, studying, loving or creating. I’m not being seduced by ‘if only’ mind or an imagined utopian ‘elsewhere’. I’m open to the unknown and I’m prepared to take risks. I am saying a big FKYES to life in all of it’s beauty, heartache, sadness and joy. I am not afraid.

How do I recognise when I’m stuck in defending and turn it around? It's all in the intention.  For example, If my intention is to keep my mind clear and accountable so I can be as kind as possible in all situations then the action that follows this may be daily mediation and journaling. This is me befriending life.

If my intention is to hold on with a tight grip to my perceived level of success at whatever cost, the action that followed this may be the same, but it would be imbued with a sense of obsessiveness, ‘if this slips I’ll lose what I had and I can’t let that happen’.

Then if I didn’t write every day I would feel guilt, shame and fear which would throw me into ‘defending’ and would inhibit my ability to be creative and present.

My teacher Sarah Powers once said; I meditate ‘in order to attend to what I intend’. This has stuck with me ever since. To get clear about my intention I require daily practices that connect me to myself and the world around me. These include movement, meditation, journaling, painting and connection with nature. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this? How do you define defending and befriending? What strategies do you use to recognise and re-connect?